How are you, really?
So. How are you? Really - how are you?
How am I coping in this pandemic? Want the real, un-curated version?
I cannot be arsed. I laze around in bed in the morning, handsome husband brings me coffee (because he’s a legend) and I try to motivate myself to get up. Try to think of what I can do with the day because, lets face it - it’s fucking Ground Hog day. Like today is Sunday - WHO KNEW??
My day is now punctuated by food. Is it lunchtime? Tea? Supper? What shall we eat - what have we got? And I eat it all - my low-carb, high fat diet is out. Sugar, dairy, carbs - bring it on! And I can assure you I will be in the queue at McDonalds when they open too - I dream of a Big Tasty with a fat Coke and salty fries… don’t @ me.
Anxiety. Oh yes, lockdown has not come alone - this thirsty bitch has raised her ugly head too. I have convinced myself at least 10 times that I am coming down with’ the ‘Rona’ and that I might die. Let my mind run to the darkest of places. I worry - all the time. I worry about my family and friends. I pray to whoever is listening to keep them safe. I worry about the future - this lockdown is not sustainable for anyone - I lost all my work due to the ‘Rona and who knows if it will come back. ( I have managed to get myself a job with the Wales Ambulance Service starting in June though - and that brings with it another host of concerns…. Ugh.)
Drinking the wine. Ah yes. My much dryer year has ceremoniously been tossed out the window. My visions of entering the summer feeling better about myself - healthier, cleaner, more invigorated?? Yeah well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not drinking every day, and I don’t recommend alcohol as a coping tool but some days it’s what marks the transition between day and night (!!). Would I prefer not to be drinking? Yes. Would I prefer not to be living through a pandemic? Also yes.
Home Schooling. HA! We were already home schooling before lockdown so it’s not been too much of a change for us - but! It is so easy to let it slide. I’ve tried to concentrate on making sure they’re coping emotionally because that’s what they’ll remember. There’s all of these resources around now - where were they before??? - but to be honest as long as my kids are learning something for an hour a day - that’s all good. getting blood out of a stone was never my forté. Also, this idea of school now - where teachers send work out to pupils. Can that carry on?? I’d enrol my kids in that school.
Screen time. Hehehe - this used to be a bone of contention in our house. Now? I couldn’t give a flying sh*t. They are home, healthy, happy. This has led to my oldest to believing that lockdown is her best life - not allowed to go out, sloth-ing out on the sofa, zoom meetings with friends. Party on!!! I’ve even taken up TikTok - I’m sure I’m too old for that shit but it does make me laugh and laughter is a real tonic right now.
Inspirational posts. If I get another email or see another post that starts with - “You should be using this time to….” “If you don’t come out of lockdown having…” . You can all fuck off! And when you get there, you can fuck off some more! If I don’t come out of lockdown having gone full Britney circa 2007, and a drinking problem I’ll be over the moon!!!
Exercise. yeah, right. I know I need to - that it will make me feel better. Do I do it? No. But I did do some yoga this morning so I’m going with it and hoping my lazy-arse is levelling up it’s game.
There are Upsides…. I have loved being at home with my family. We have laughed a lot - played a lot - and got to spend some real quality time together. The dog thinks all of his christmasses have come at once. The earth seems to have been able to take a breath - one which she has been long overdue. Society appears now to see exactly who the important people are - who keeps the country running. I hope we don’t forget that. I hope we come out of this valuing each other a bit more, I hope that we can start to change the structures of how things work moving forward as it’s clear that “how it’s always been” doesn’t work moving forward.
So there it is. That is how I feel about living in lockdown in the midst of a global pandemic. S’allright. I know it could be worse, but I’m not going to pretend that I’m Mary fucking Poppins and all is ‘tickety-boo’ either.
So stay safe everyone, it will be lovely to see you on the other side. I can’t wait to go back to suffering from social anxiety!!