F**king Menopause
So here we are. Apparently I am a woman ‘of a certain age’ - I believe that this is where I am supposed to shrivel up, dry up and give up. Well fuck that!
Perimenopause crept up on me like a shadow as the sun goes down… and then suddenly it was dark. I couldn’t get out of bed, I was crippled with anxiety - an almost narcissistic centralising of my own insecurities at the centre of the universe - I had no energy, no motivation, no self-esteem.
It wasn’t until a gorgeous friend reminded me that I was a ‘woman of a certain age’ that it even occurred to me that this could be perimenopause! I mean only ALL women go through it, but as medicine and life experiences have only been explored for white men, why the fuck would this be openly spoken about?? Why the fuck would I even consider that this is what is happening to me??
OF COURSE I am perimenopausal!!! I am 48 - I have been experiencing symptoms since I was 40! My eyesight has deteriorated, my hair has gone curly, I have put on weight that keeps piling on and stubbornly sits there like Jabba-the-fucking-Hut no matter what I do. I wake up at night swimming in pools of sweat, and during the day I experience flashes where I am as hot as the fucking sun. I rage. I rage so much that even Dylan Thomas would let me wander off into the dying of the light…
And everywhere you look - someone has the answer… Someone has hormones you can buy to minimise your belly fat - someone else has clothing to get rid of your night sweats - it’s cortisol - it’s HRT - magnesium - turmeric - don’t do HIIT - do HIIT - lift weights - don’t do weights, do yoga…. it’s fucking exhausting. It just feels that now women are finally talking about the menopause that everyone is out there trying to offer you a quick solution, the easy remedy, trying to make a quick buck.
I have decided to stop torturing myself. I am not the woman I used to be and I have to stop thinking that I am, I have to meet myself where I am and go from there. I have decided to fuck it all off and do what feels good for me… for me that is - real food, cooked from scratch. Yoga. Some resistance training. Long walks with the dogs. Mini-adventures with my family (or maybe just handsome husband now that I have teenagers who don’t leave the house). Time with friends I truly love. I have decided to feed my life with things that bring me joy. Honestly?? Fuck the challenge. It’s exhausting. And right now, this shit is exhausting enough.
